the art of saying no

Saying no isn’t easy, especially when the pressures of society are leaning in. As a woman and mother, I often forget the word “no” is in my vocabulary (unless in matters of saying no to sweets to my children). Recently, I received an E-mail from Brigs school asking for homeroom parents. This wouldn’t be my first rodeo as a homeroom parent had I signed up. When Brig started school, I knew I wanted to be an involved parent for his school community and his education. During his first year in school, I threw parties for the class as requested by the homeroom parent, including being very pregnant with Cal and somehow pulling off this winter snowglobe activity for a roomful of Kindergartners (oh and running my company as well in the mix). It was around this time I should have walked around my house and practiced saying the word “no” future forward and making it rain as a response to any requests of my time. Instead, I let myself get more overwhelmed by continuing to try and be the perfectly nailing everything woman, and I will shock you here, but it didn’t work very well. I had Cal shortly after the pandemic hit with everyone’s lives changing forever. One of my biggest personal growth evolutions during the pandemic was learning the art of saying no. Albeit something I’ve had to work very hard to lean into I’m certainly better for it, as per usual though, it’s always a work in progress. Here are some ways I’ve been active in implementing when working on this personal growth goal.

Practice Makes Perfect

Feeling too physically anxious, I wouldn’t be able to say “no” to big asks. After I recognized the physical feelings I was having, I realized I needed to work especially in this area with practice. I started by finding opportunities for small asks to say no to. Whether it was saying no to going to the grocery store, saying yes to the small delivery fee freeing up a lot of my day and mental energy, or saying no to being the homeroom parent this year practice makes perfect. Like with anything, the more you say no (even if it’s just to yourself) you’ll be able to say it more and feel better for it.

If it’s not a hell yes,

it’s a no

A mentor of mine told me this quote once, it’s been on a post-it on my desk monitor ever since. Four years after it stared at me every day, I finally stared back. This is probably my biggest work in progress. I struggle in this area, it can apply so heavily to personal choices but also directional business choices. The complications between owing a full team their salaries each week ensuring success paired with pushing myself to say no to work which doesn’t inspire me have been huge challenges for me. Some of the Happy Medium team members I trust have pushed me to be more comfortable saying no to work, but it still frazzles me a bit sometimes. Every time I say no to work which isn’t inspiring to us it feels like a jump off a cliff, terrifying and exhilarating. I’ve yet to feel regret after making the decision. Incorporating this mantra into my personal life isn’t easy either. Part of being a small business owner in a small community can bring a lot of pressure to be everywhere. I was finding myself at events wishing I was home with my kids or reading a book instead. I’ve worked to be intentional now paying attention to those feelings, and acting on them. It’s ok to not be everywhere. The world won’t crumble, I can assure you. I’ve tested the theory and can confirm.

setting boundaries

Boundaries are not easy. You can read every inspirational quote on an Instagram scroll encouraging you to have emotional and schedule etc… boundaries. However, the people sharing these don’t seem to show up and say no on your behalf. At a minimum, we should have access to some sort of Jiminy Cricket character who stays with us all day flagging anything outside of our established personal boundaries. It’s too easy to get off track. Schedule boundaries are where I struggle the most. A way I’ve grown to say no is with my calendar and schedule at work especially. In the past, I’ve worked myself to the bone, before the pandemic I had a personal assistant who would get lunch for me daily because I’d be scheduled straight through from 7:30 am to 6:00 pm with zero breaks. Nothing about this is sustainable. I was overwhelmed which made me snappy, not fully present for anything, and totally burned out. I’ve started to notice with life resuming to pre-pandemic schedules this old world has worked hard to creep back in. I am working especially hard to put a stop to it and stand my ground. It can be very uncomfortable to tell people you talk to daily you need 15 minutes between every meeting they schedule you for. It can bring anxiety to tell a client I can’t meet until next week. When outside parties ask for meetings, society's standard time dictates everything is booked for an hour. (why?) My boundary is 15, 30, or 45-minute meetings - tops. If they put something in my calendar for an hour, I’ll send them a note and ask them to update the event to 45 minutes. Sending them no defense reasons, because I don’t owe them. In return, I show up to meetings fully present, with no laptops and phones, and leave feeling focused and informed. It can seem small, but cutting 15 minutes from meetings multiple times a week gives a lot of mental space and life back. This reward is well worth any awkwardness or hesitation I can sometimes have with being direct.

protect your peace

We can’t be perfect at figuring out what to say no to, there are too many factors. As you implement these boundaries into your life, you’ll likely find things you regretted saying no or yes to. Work to notice patterns, and evolve. Protecting my peace is a top priority for me. I work to be thoughtful and intentional with this by doing daily self-check-ins on what is disrupting my peace and sorting through if there is anything I can do about it. Before you make a decision on something consider how it will make you feel later, rather than just in the immediate moment. Will the decision you’re making in your response or answer bring you more peace? I ask myself this multiple times a day and move forward with the option of getting closer to my constant end goal of personal peace. Working to make decisions with this guideline still won’t be enough. We’re humans living a life so there are constant outside changing factors. If you feel yourself feeling overwhelmed, thats the biggest time to say no. Look at your calendar, reach out and cancel or move something off your calendar. You’ll feel incredible. Small or large actions to be intentional and protect your peace will make a huge impact on your life.

Overall bringing intention and practice to saying no is what I’ve learned that makes the biggest impact. I’d love to hear from you and your progress. Message me on my Instagram.